so here be abother entry.. and no its not about hiking... Though I am still working on that.

Really I SHOULD be typing... but.. *sigh* Really dont wanna. DOnt worry it'll get done. Its just a info paper about my product and the company and why I made what choices I did in the design. Woo Hoo...

Went to my first counseling appt today.. I dont know what I could get out of it... if anything... but, I'm willing to give it a go for right now.. ride it out see what happens. really I'm EXTREMELY hesitant about the whole damn thing...but am trying to keep a positive outlook on it. later on I'm either going to hunt around and see if I can find a empty notebook to keep nearby for some writing or I'll just go out and buy a new one.

I'm tired... REALLY tired...heads getting a little achy and amd trying to figure out what I'm going to do about class tomorrow? I've decided I'm not going to finish my hist class this term.. need to with draw.. I thought I could handle the load.. but with everything thats going on right now.. and the slide that I'm currently riding... its just not going to happen.. Thankgod I'm going to take next term off, maybe I can get my focus back.. along with other things.

I hate not feeling like me.. I hate the spacing out...most of the time I feel like I'm just here... existing within a shell. I really dislike the feeling of fastforward I have whenever I wake up... I hate sleeping... I hate not getting enough sleep...I really hate it when I feel helpless and alone...

Gah!..

the list goes on and really this isnt what I wanted to get into. I just wanted to type. ok.. I'm also distracting myself while I try to figure out what time I really should go to school tomorrow.. especially if I'm just going to end up dropping the class anyway. *sigh*

I havent told this to Joe yet either... I should huh? I know he'll be dissapointed... or at least I assume he will... maybe I'm just reflecting my dissapointed [in myself] onto him... hell if I know... most likely he'll just nod and say "you do whatever it is that you need to do" and leave it at that.. and then I'll sit here wondering about everything... *deep sigh* I over analyze things...

I'm just a jumble right now... too much on my plate.. heh.. I'm sure this wont be the last time I say that....

*sits back closes eyes and takes a deep breath* I wants "tickles"...(light touches/massage.. with fingertips and sometimes light nails) on my arms back and neck... I would LOVE a scalp massage too.. oh oh..or have my hair brushed... the last person (besides a hair sstylist and myself) to have brushed my hair would have been my mother when I was in grade school!!!

I'm feeling really needy right now.. lol I just asked Joe if he's brush my hair.. I got a funny look (Like I'm crazy or "whats up with you")and he said I guess I could if you really want me to... *sigh* not the answer and reaction I would have like to had...(he tried.. but... yeah.. he was more about the tv and music playing and the credits...) as Joe would say...I'm very much in a "touchy feely Mood" at the moment...I want to be touched held and I guess babied? comforted? SOMETHINg...

UGH!!! I'm soo emotional right now.. L.. I've been fighting crying on and off throughout this entire entry... which I'm just killing..and botching up into bits and pieces...

*ponders* You know...words are very limiting... for a tool that is heavily reliant on...buy all.. they are rather inhibiting especially on their own. one can never always fully say or express what they mean, or want to say, without having to use more words to try and create more of a definition.?.?.? explanation.?.?.? expression.?.?.?

am I loosing you yet? LOL cause I'm getting lost... Wow.. that was ALMost like a wanna be deep thought about to surface up there... better be careful.. might hurt myself or something.

Enough of the mindless babbling that I'm so well at... and do FAR too frequently than I should...I'm falling asleep...head almost hit the keyboard... I'm heading to bed.. goodnight