its amazing how easy it is to fall into a dark place and not wanna come out of it. Sometime the dark is comforting.

On the surface most cant see it, and all appears fine. I'm Happy and content and a well rounded person...inside though you'll see a mess far more cayotic then the strewn array of my bedroom... picking up pieces just to throw them down and say "Why bother? it'll become a disaster again."

Sometimes I just want to quit.

Sometimes I want to escape everything including myself.

...especially myself.

Yesterday at my doctors appoint, Doc (name now used in reference to my counseler... I feel like a quack saying that... counseler...and counseling) made a comment about how sometimes a person can trick themselves into thinking or feeling a certain way... example, like finding something funny... She Preceeded to tell me how there was a study done where they split people up into two groups.. one group watched a comedian as they were... not having to do anything... and they were split on how funny they felt the comedian was... the other group did the same thing.. watched the same show cept they had to hold a pencil between their teeth the whole time...(this hold the muscles in your face into a smiling position) THIS entire group found the experience and the comedian funny.. or pleasantly entertaining.

I can see the benefits of it.... BUt REALLY.... I dont want to be made to feel a certain way just because I'm manipulating myself to try and be that way. wheres the sincerity in that? there isnt.

I'm tired... and I know I'm very muchly so seperated from everything right now... any lil bits and pieces will arise through out the day that will make me smile.. but the instant its over... or stops... I'll fall right back down... its just the way things feel for today. I'm not saying thats how I want them to be... and I'll try to hold onto the more positive attitude... but, I'm not up for putting much of an effort into that.. my energy is spent... gone kaput.. and my sides are hurting hella bad... I KNOW its my kidneys dammit.

This Urge for crying... is soo deeply seeded.. and yet... the tears wont come. I hate that.. its like knowing you have to sneeze and are just about to... and then.. its gone.. goes away.. without any sneeze.

Today would be a good day for a scream in the woods...and then just collasping