I'm antsy & cozy & antsy...
I think its the weather

Its fall, its fall, its FALL!!

The weather is PERFECT right now.. the right combination of blues and greys, with the right amount of warm yellow beams hitting here & there. The air is chilled. & its giving me the chills... (NOT the cold kind).

I'm antsy right now & I don't know exactly why. You can even feel it in my pulse.

I'm happy with a twist of sadness... but in a content kind of way.

I was struggling with so much, but after I wrote that one entry (in a different journal), and had a loooooong conversation with Joe, I'm slightly more at ease, and am just now beginning to be able to let things surface & lay after nearly a year.

I cant believe how much I blocked myself off in order to deal with one thing at a time. I really am shocked. And am realizing how much I was not my full complete self during the "the time of trials" as I think I will now call it, for one thing after another just kept coming & coming & coming... its amazing I didn't just allow myself to fall into the fiery pits that hissed & seared below me, really it would have been much easier to simply burn than to try & put the fire out.

Anyway... looking back at it,at the end, because of how I was trying to deal with the shit that exploded everywhere (there's a LOVELY mental image) alot of things were not handled in a fully acceptable manner (acceptable to me). & alot of things & people really pushed me to behave and react in such an extreme irrational manner, that I feel so incredibly horrible about.

Everyone played a part in how this event was carried out. It wasn't me alone. Looking back I see how I handled things, and I can understand why I did react & respond the way I did. Sleep deprived, with raw, frazzled nerves & emotions, I simply responded/reacted to others who I'm sure were feeling just as beat up as I. I'm not making excuses for myself, merely explaining. I feel that if one were to know the true depth of the shit aspect they would also be amazed, but I feel that such an explanation is redundant & not the focus of this entry. I want to acknowledge that I'm now fully aware of how I was not the only one in this state of emotional upheaval.

I cant apologize for their words or actions. I wont. Nor am I saying how they acted was acceptable, or excusable, it wasn't. BUT I can try to be understanding of why they may had acted in such a way, and apologize for my words actions & responses...

For how I've behaved. I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry that I panicked & ran when I realized just how
rampant the storm really was. I'm sorry for the pain and hurt I had/have caused to all. For all this... and so much more... I am & will be eternally sorry

...

Mood: content