started writing August 22 2005
I have so much that I want to just start blabbering about. Things that aren't just about what's been happening and what I've been doing. There's so much, I guess you would call it "offness", inside of me that its once again starting to become disorienting.

it seems to happen mostly on the mornings that Joe has to go to work. After we say our good byes, that's when the dreams begin.

I wouldn't call them nightmares, but they sure as hell aren't pleasant either.

The night before last the theme seemed to be ice. "We" (there was a group of people, mostly whom I THINK were supposed to be my family) We're in the mountains. There were some sort of Amazing lodgings that were spread far apart that you would have to walk to, These places where BREATH TAKING, Enormous spacious, with an interior made of Ice, White swirled marble and gold. the Story line was just odd (as it usually is in most dreams) but the only part I remember with clarity is the death of my sister, my inheriting her son, and me being the only person who was crying. I also remembering saying the words" I know we didn't have the perfect relationship, and we by far didn't always get along, but that doesn't mean I didn't love her...That's Why I'm Crying." No one else was crying, It was like I was doing their job for them. I remember going about doing the things that needed to be done, but felt like I was falling inside of an endless black cavern inside).

I woke up hearing myself crying in the dream... the sound didn't stop for about 30 seconds after I had awaken. no one else was whimpering, the radio wasn't on. I wasn't making any sound. and yet I could still hear and FEEL the horrible emotions as if it had truly happened....

everything in the dream had either a light cold blue color tinting or a cool warm glow that never lasted long.

The Dream from the day before that.. was even more odd... Everything had a Dark overcast feel to it and colors were mostly in muted shades of brown or grey. people were still fleshed toned.. however they too would have a slightly desaturated look to them. The Weather was cool.. but not chilly. "We" (don't remember everyone whom that entailed.. but I believe this group with me was mostly friends, Joe and myself) were standing in this insanely HUGE line. (like if it were real you wouldn't have even walked up to it). In some sort of an amusement park. The ramp for this ride twisted back and forth as tightly as they could make it. It also looked like an old wooden boardwalk. Going Up and down and around . People were in no hurry for it to move.. neither were we. Groups of family and friends would just kinda kick back, sitting along the railing, playing and laughing, or just having mellow conversations. when it did move it was about 10 feet. people would joke and chatter would go up a tad more. but then quickly all would soon resume their place on top or along the railing or sitting on the ground.

While I was hanging out in line I turned from a friend on my right and looked towards the left in the direction the line was flowing towards this "amazing" thing or ride that we were waiting so patiently to see. a few small groups away I noticed something sticking out from the back of someone. It was a scarf, one that I had made and given Shawn. It was being tossed around a little and looked as though someone were sticking it out intentionally to grab my attention. It Worked. I was shaky and was in the process of convincing myself how incredibly unlikely that was. Then I saw him peek his head out to the side of the group intentionally looking at me. Then, realizing I made eye contact with him... he quickly pulled back into the crowd. And I began to slowly approach the group of people that he was hiding within.