Rubbing forehead... Ever have one of those days where All is well and things are as it should be, but your mind just decides to take you to 100 other places that you dont need to be but have no choice but to follow. Cuz if you dont, the more you fight with it the more vivid the images and stronger the feelings become.

Thats my day. I'm trying to be a normal functioning person doing the things that need to be done and Apparently my mind decided that today thats just not going to happen.

Maybe it was because of the mind set before I went to bed last night. Maybe it was the lighting in the room.. Gray and overcast. Perhaps it was the the sound of the rain... the light wind and water drops hitting the trees right outside my bedroom window. The cool breeze coming through the screen into the room. It made me want to move the bed directly under the window. Then Thunder. It made me ansty, sad, longing, and missing something.

I was found wanting. SO bad. and I'm not sure for what. the more I tried to think about why.. the harder it would rain... and then the thunder would gently roll itsself in and out.

Finally I passed out for a short bit. But woke up with the feeling even stronger... with vividly satuarated images of words that will one day formulate a poem in mind. Joe had already tucked me in and left for work. So I was both lonely AND alone.

I laid in bed for whats seemed for hours but really was mere minutes. I'd peek my head above the covers.. then pull them back over my ears.. for the first time ever I didnt WANT to hear that sound. I didnt want the feelings. I did this repeatedly thinkin that surely the rain has stopped by now.. only to hear the thunder, rain and rusltling of leaves.

I wanted it to stop. I was on the verge of tears everytime I pulled the blanket back over my ears. I wanted to scream to the more clearly forming images, to just let me be.

I'm not allowed to feel sorrow, loss or hurt for the things that have happened over the past year. I need to be the strong rock so that those who are weary can come rest upon me. I need to be the one who helps those who will allow me to help heal their wounds, especially the ones that I have caused. I want to be the strong one. I want to be the strong one. I want to be the strong one.

I have a weakness though. and I'm ashamed to admit what it is even to myself. I wont even allow it to be fully thought of. And I'm sure that it's better that way. Well I should say that its safer to never be a fully formed thought. It wont do anyone any good.

*deep Sigh*

I dont even feel like I can write everything out they way I want to right now...Gotta love that whole cryptic thing *rolls eyes*

I'm gonna go distract myself some more... *hits play on winamp*

Mood: uncomfortable