current
archives
profile



pattern
host



guestbook
notes
email



So a lil about me....I'm married to my high school sweetheart, and now have three sons, Devon, Thalen, Dadrin (Dade)and a little girl, Celestine

I'm also a Freelance Graphic Designer & Illustrator. I LOVE my work. :-)

Well... lets see what else? I'm Hella shy, til I get to know the person, then I'm chattier than hell. I'm always willing to make new friends, but am a bit particular about which friends I get close too and keep in my life for the long haul.

I think I'm in a hangout mode in my life right now, occasional parties are GREAT, but I like to just kick back, have a nice toasty warm beverage, coffee, tea, hot coco (with marshmallows of course!)and hangout with my friends.

A Collage of Topics

2005-08-28 - 12:28 p.m.


Feeling Tired again. Yet I was up by 9am with no problems.

I know that the main reason I'm feeling sleepy still is cause Joe & I stayed up til 2am. Well Its more like I styed up with him watching Constantine til midnight, then we put The Tick on I made it through one show then passed out for a few hours then suddenly woke up to Joe still watching some of the shows ( I think he finished the first dvd) and I manged to sleepily chuckle through some of it, crawled upstairs and passed out.

I kept having odd dreams throughout the night. Oddly though the only part I recall had something to do with a ship sinking. And everyone I knew was locked inside, and what was about to happen was enevitable.

There was alot more, but this snippet is all I recall off hand. I want to say that this was influenced by watching the movie before bed (though there was no sinking ship). but this theme is one of many that seems to be recurring every so often over the past few months.

The other one is with the odd line for some sort of unseen amusement ride & scarf. Not gonna go into details on this on. but it too has come back twice now.

I cant wait for this term to be done. I have 3 weeks left then a Glorious 2 week vacation! WOOT!!!

Went to REI last night. I got a pair of KEEN Newport H2 Sandals. They Rock!

I think we are becoming REI Junkies LOL Yes yesI know its a HORRIBLE addiction *wink*. But I think there can be worse things to be hooked on, making the uber comfy & cool Hiking, camping & other outdoor sports clothing and gear not all that bad of a thing. besides at least we are now doing more physiclly exertive things. AND feeding that part of me that needs to travel.

SPEAKING of trveling. I've been finding myself getting antsy again in reguards to the whole moving thing. I feel the need for something different.. I always do, this I fear is something that wont ever change... Slow down perhaps, but never go away.

I would LOVE to pack up and move to...well ANYWHERE lol. Well anywhere thats not in Oregon California or Washington. I'm kinda West Coasted out. Sometimes I really do wish that I took up that job I was offered YEARS ago to train as an airline stewardess. Yes I know the life style isnt all that Glorified... But damn I'd be getting my travel time in, thats for sure. :-)

Anywho, I have a few places in mind where I'd like to live for while... but none of that would even be bale to be consideration til after I graduate, get job and get our debt paid down. So a few more years... UGGG!!! on the plus side.. I only have like 7 more terms left to go thats a year and a half!!!

GEEZUS times flying fast

I wonder if We'll have another lil one by the time gradution comes around?

I dont know exactly how I feel bout that anymore. I do, but I dont, But I do want another.

its so weird thinking about how if the miscarriage hadnt happened, that I'd be off in someother part of the house right now taking care of a one or two week old.

I was due on the 13th. *sigh*

It would be much easier to cope with if I wasnt getting all these damn mailers with "Congratulations on your new arrival, Heres a Welcome packet full of our products that we know you will LOVE to use for your newborn"

That and the lil pile of baby goodies in the bassinet thats sitting in the upstairs guest room.

I may sound like I'm held well together in reguards to this whole thing... I've been told that I seem to be JUST fine about it , I've even had some seriously hurtful comments in reguards to how I seemingly have initially reacted and talk about it (which I'll admit can sound distant).

I really am not though. The whole experience is one that I wouldnt even wish on my worse enemies . And honestly? I think I'm still in shock about it. I dont know completely how to think or feel sometimes. And even though I know that ALOT of people have gone through it (trust me the number is higher than you would EVER expect), It still just doesnt bring any comfort.

The whole thing has been tramatic. You have doctors who sit there telling you they cant tell you for sure whats going on.. but Not too worry too much becuse things cn be just fine, and then send you on your way not even bothering to help you prepare or what to expect, cause they are too busy being optimisitic for you.

Then you have the people who tell you they are sorry but they have had 10 of them.. so cheerup, it was only one, thus not that big of a deal. Oh and the people who are sincerely sorry (close friends nd family) but dont want to talk about it anymore after that, and treat it like this big hush hush topic. Of course you have the friends who are just concerned about you and hope all is well...and let you talk til you are blue in the face about it.... These are the rare gems of the bunch. FInally you get the people whodont know what the fuck they are talking about and freak out on you, when you are talking about it. TRYING to be strong TRYING not to shed anymore tears, cause you are simply exhusted and numb with shock... then they say how they can't belive how cold hearted you are about the whole thing... Yeah.. thats a great one to have to experience.

*sigh* but in the end.. you are still standing, still healing, and trying to continue on. Always trying to continue on... doing the best that you can do.

... I've kinda ventured off from my initial point (in reguards to wether or not I'll have another child) I'm afraid to get pregnant again. I'm afraid knowing that another miscarrige could easily happen again. Especially with how things hve been going for me physically (more medical details we wont go into right now). I know that I'll be terrified up til the very end of the pregnancy. Which is not how I want to spend that time. So Honestly, unless "someone" actually seems to really desire another.... I know I'll bring up the topic... but I doubt I'll push anymore.

I guess you can say that I'm in the beginning stages of sincerely believing that it's just not going to happen. And that feels more tangible than hoping and thinking that it might.

*shrugs* but really, who the hell knows? tomorrow it could all change.
Mood: contemplative

template code by:rpdesigns, layout customization by KDS (aka Myself!)