(note: thursday was a weird and moody day for me. My Mood was swingin back and forth from one extreme to another... I was also VERY ansty the entire eveing. Couldnt rest for nothing... as a result this entry was started... and 3 pages of short little dark and depressed "poems" where written. I'll be adding them into my diary as well caus eI dont want to loose the notebook which I can see myself intentionally doing)

Mood: just wanna wallow in darkness

Why is it that whenever I need something to be a certian way, All Fucking Hell breaks Loose on my ass and I'm expected to be able to sit there respect accept and understand what it has done to those whom it has affected BUT not have my side of things be understood, respected and accepted. If I can genuinely do it... then why the hell cant other people?

whats even more screwed up is that if and or when senerios are reveresed I have to still be the understanding one and fuck my own side of things?

I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of being the person who sits there and IS infact understanding, and who does take respondisbilities for my part (not an easy thing to do)... but then I have to take the rest up the ass and just be damn fine with it. NOT RIGHT.(and for the record, in the above, I'm not refferring to strictly one situation, senerio or part).

****

There were some very intense and extreme situations snowballing from the time I left MA to come home... I didnt know what to expect when I got home. I didnt know if Joe was going to tear my head off, ignore me completely or actually be civil.

I did not know what to expect... and I was scared and nervous as ALL gawd damn fucking hell. Once I was in the airports in Boston and Shawn had left (whcih happened so swiftly at the very end there) I nearly broke down and cried in the the security line. He had been there to help me stand tall through so much. But it was when my plane took off that I realized that I was alone. Yes he along with other friends could and would be there for support . but in the end I'd still be alone. It was me who rode into that particular part of the storm, it was me who had to talk, it was me who had to listen, I was the one who had to try and compute what was said to me, and it was me who had to try to communicate, explain and process... and it was me who actually had a break down like I've never experienced before in my life. Not my Loved ones, Not my Friends. NOT my Family. Me.

Your friends and loved ones are people/individuals who are there for you to be able to feel safe to talk to, confide in and perhaps not understand, but be understanding. REGUARDLESS of your actions. They are there for you to turn to when you need to vent, need to see another possible perspective on things. They can help clarify and focus your thoughts. or Maybe just help you forget about certian things for a bit. and are able to bring that very much needed light-heartedness and smile to your lips in middle of your sorrows to help you beable to take on whatever else may come. They try to be a guide. they are caring and loving and importanly they are PATIENT with you and your needs.

These individuals realize that you sometimes may not act like yourself, but they have the ability to understand what is happening is not "normal cercumstance" and are able to give you the space you need with patience and understanding. They may even reach out to remind you that they are there for you and that they want to be there however you may need. But they do not force themselves upon you. and when you do not instantly turn running to them upon their reminder.. they are not offended...they do not feel betrayed... for they know that you will do so when you are ready... and this is ok.

this is just a small but very important part of what should exist in the fabric of the individuals whom we trustingly bring close to ourselves and call friends.

OKay so I had more to say, but the more I sit here and think.. the more the frustration grows and less focused my thoughts are becoming.

*****

Horoscope:
The troubles you have been having lately will vanish as a sudden and possibly permanent solution is chanced upon. The comments of those around you will tell you more than you need to know about any of their true intentions.

Maternal instincts
Weak, transient effect: This influence is good for all kinds of relationships in that all your contacts with others tonight are warm and emotional. You do not choose superficial or formal contacts but instead desire to make a personal connection with everyone you meet. At the same time you feel a strong need to protect and nurture those whom you are close to. There is something of the maternal instinct in the way you care for others. You are also very sensitive to people's emotional needs and wants, which enables you to respond to them at a very deep level of understanding. You will want to feel that you belong to any group that you associate with at this time. Fortunately you will also be able to make others feel that they belong with you. Your emotions are so much closer to the surface of your being that you can see them clearly

In equilibrium
Weak, transient effect: Tonight you are in touch with your feelings to an unusual extent and are more able to express them to others. You probably lack the psychological tension that usually drives people to talk about their feelings, but you can listen most sympathetically to other people's problems now. The insight into your own feelings and the psychological equilibrium that you have now may enable you to offer effective help to others. This influence also signifies a state of balance between your feelings and your rational intellect. That is, you are able to think with great emotional sensitivity but still remain logical in your thought processes. Communications with women will be easy and quite favorable at this time, regardless of your own sex. And encounters with women may be quite informative in a positive way.

Thrifty and careful
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you may feel like being alone with your thoughts and feelings. Your mood is not usually bad or depressed, you simply desire to be calm and reflective. But you are probably not in the mood for frivolity. You prefer the company of serious people, if any, and you want the conversation to be about important topics. Under this influence you may feel the need to consult someone whose higher vantage point you respect. You are able to balance your emotional needs with your sense of duty and obligation. While you are aware of your feelings, you do not let them overwhelm you. In all proceedings you are thrifty and careful. You are also very careful and thorough in your approach to any kind of work now. It is not likely that you will have to do any task over, nor will anyone else have to clean up after you