Mood: sleepy...I think I may be getting sick

So uh.. yeah.. plenty of shit on my plate.. again.. NOTHING new... and really ita all self inflicted crap right... so whatever... sometimes the need to vent or release the pressure valve is greater than on some days than on others...I dont know if today or right now is one of those days.

I'm all torn up inside about everything right now... like.. I have all these feelings wants needs and stuff... I know what I have and know what I dont have... and yet I do and dont know what to do about .. anything... I'm just sitting here letting things fall.

I'm not really in touch too much with anything right now. I'm fine for whatever moment or interaction I'm in... but even then I feel disconnected... distant. and on my own.. ARGH.. I could make myself bleed and would be surpised if I even felt the wound.

Sick thought... I wonder if I would... feel the pain...hmmm.. almost want to try...

If the mood hit me right now I'd be one for being attacked... and not very nicley... and If I got agressive... there would be hell to pay and blood would spill... or at least come damn close.

Ugg... I'm not in a good place with myself right now... not in a good place at all... I almost feel sick with how negative I'm feeling at the moment... and yet.. its ALMOST a comforting feeling...

I got Devs calandar today... with approximate days that he would have off (subject to change notification will arrive the month of) Sooooo.... I can actually start figuring out for how long and what exact days I can go on my trip out to Mass and Cali.

okies I gotta Fess Up

I'm nervousabout the trip for many reasons.. its a 50/50 spilt on the kinds of nervousness I'm experiencing.... theres the good kind.. and there's the bad kind....

The good kind of nervous is the obvious...I'm going to get to see Shawn and havent done so is almost 6 years!!! I'm gonna be soo shaky the day of the flight...really I am... I wont be able to eat... or sleep... and hell I may even cry!!! or faint... dont know which *smiles*

Another slight reason (along the good lines) for being nervous is meeting Burn and Moni... reguardless of how talkative and things I CAN be... I'm EXTREMELY shy.. and have a bit of social anxiety...and so uh.. yeah lol... its just a nervousness cause by me being so shy... (this kinda comes into play with shawn too... kinda ) I talk to both Burn and Moni... and Hell I had even met Burn once before...when I had first come out to meet Shawn years ago...(actually, I had met Burn online first before I had ever talked to Shawn)They are HELLA AWESOME peoples...they've made me feel so loved....

wow.. I like almost started getting sappy and such.. sorry guys... *raises hand* Lil miss looney right here... yup thats right... LOOK at the CRAZY lady... no no .. really.. I mean it... LOOK AT HER!!

*coughs* *playfully* Okay... you can stop looking...no .. really I said you can stop now... Hey.. you.. yeah you.. I said you can stop looking at me now.. I dont like to be stared at by strangers...I said STOP NOW!!! please? *inncently grins and blinks*

so.. yeah.. where was I before I let the almost completely pshycotic personality of mine take over?.... hmm.. oh yes... I remember.. nervousness.... Good and Bad... the good is the expected kind... and the bad ...well I know that in the past when shawn and I had spoken there wasnt a bad side of it untilafter last nights episode of talking and spillage.. and getting NOwhere in conversation with joe... and it got even a little bit more

enforced after some comments/discussions done today. comments like... "cant you just spend the money to stay longer with Shorty?" or "I'll be fine after you get back that way I can just pretend that the whole thing never happened".. muchly bother me...but you know... He's not wrong in his feelings either. its just the way things are being handled are being done rather poorly.

Fuck I'm tired. too tired. I'm gonna get cutting my bags out and then go to bed.

I didnt get to talk much at all to shawn today.. I'm missing him muchly... I hope he's sleeping well.. heaven knows he NEEDS the rest...