(started last night....Warning LONG emotional and I doubt it makes ANY sense at all)

And here I Thought I was having a great day... Ok Well I did have a great day...filled with silly smiles, laughs, bounces talking with great friends (ya'll know who ya be)

I was just... energetic. and happy

Me was soo Silly happy and schtuff... and then I'd gone and done it... I made him mad... ok, not mad upset...I've decided a few days ago I definetely want to repierce my nose. like REALLY REALLY.. now granted I dont know how long I'd actually keep it if I'd get bored having it and whatnot... but still.. Its something I'd like to do again...

I told Joe about this.. not thinking its a big deal...once again I have been proven wrong. VERRRRRY WRONG... Apparently his feelings about certain piercings are incredibly... Strong? like ENSANLEY strong. Especially when it comes to on the face... "I'd Rather you have your ears filled with a hundred of them than get your nose done. Those are THE worst..I Hate them.. and I dont think hate is even a strong enough word to describe how I feel about those things"

"They are ugly... and make they people who wear them ugly..." So I guess I'd be ugly too then? cause after all he wouldnt look at me when he talks to me, instead he'd be staring at my nose! he said so...Geezus..CHRIST!!! I actually asked if I'd become ugly as well. I got a HARD stare and got a repeat with an even stronger emphasis in tone... with a sigh then followed by a "Where is the line?" and yes... almost tears.

I have to say.. I was and am shocked by the idea that by getting a nose ring that I would take a HUGE and very likely Strong chance of becoming unattactive to him. I mean... supposedly you love somebody sooo much... and they do something that typically you dont care for... but you KNOW that they really would like to do or have done...do you really suddenly deem them to becoming unattractive? and completely unappreciate and show no admireation and respect for the things they are passionate about and choose is right for themselves personally? things in which place emphasis on a personality creating the individual that you were drawn too and fell in lovewith in the first place? What Kinda of love it that? I'm not about wanting to change his mind and opinion of things, I resepct it... and am greatly apreciative of the blunt honesty... but.. what about willing wanting to be respectful and still able to show some appreciation for the things that I want to do... of who I am...and how I desire to express myself.

We are different people now...we've always been different... I see that more so than ever before. and it hurts.and is hurting both of us. yes.. with everything that has been happening... with all the good, I still have this lingering sadness... actually its more than just sadness.. its so much deeper.

At the moment I also have to question myself and my own actions. cause at the moment, and while we were talking I'm afriad that maybe... just maybe I set up my own little self destruct button on the time bomb. All in efforts for a tangible reason for things .. ANYTHINg to give me a reason for the change... whatever it maybe. This is Dangerous shaky ground that I'm treading on... in so many ways.

I asked Joe if he was happy. I mean REALLY happy, not just content.he said "Its not about keeping me happy, its all about keeping You happy. Happiness is a harder thing for you to be. I want you to be happy." Some may think this sounds sweet, and I suppose it does to an extent. However this struck yet another cord for me. You'd have to hear the tone and see his eyes, body language and expressions to fully grasp what came across. In that moment I saw that I wasnt the only one who was being hurt.. but that I too have been unknowingly causing Joe to hurt. I have been causeing parts of him to shut down.. and he's willingly allowing parts of himself to die...

Shame on me for being so blind, and shame on me for having such negative effects... I DONT know what to do... other than to continue on and just keep trying to be strong and keep as clear a head as possible...and perhaps Try more caution?

I of course argued with him... as in STRONGLY disagreed that its NOT just about ME and its not just about MY happiness... These are the kinda of sacrafices that neither of us should have to make. I dont want him to sacrafice all that he believes and how he feels, the person that is he is ... I would NEVER intentionally ask that of him... and yet at the same time I cant sacrafice the person who I am, the things that I like and what I believe... I'm willing to give but thats what i've been doing for the past 4 or 5 years now ... when will be be my turn to recieve?

"Where is the line?" Yes Joe, where IS the line? How are we both able to be ourselves and be happy without asking the other to sacrafice too much ... how much longer do we need to battle to try and make things to work to be where we BOTH can be happy... can we ever reacive that?

NOT just me and NOT just you.. thats NOT what a marriage is. Its funny I KNOW that we allow each other SOO many freedoms and yet its the way we are around each other that is confining.. caging the other in... Stomping out the others spark... I Literally Feel like I cant breath at times.

I dont like the Person I've become, and I dont know if I'm am capable of being the person who I AM. and I KNOW that I dont like what I'm doing to you. Which I'm sure if you read this entry (you probably wont, unless I copy and paste it into an email or txt msg...you dont know of the existance of my diaries) you would say "You arent doing anything" Thats not true. and on SOME level you must feel it... I saw it last night and I just about wanted to cry... I was Soo shocked, you hide so much of yourself from me and I dont know why... I dont know how to reach you anymore, I dont even know how to try and I dont know if you even want me too. You know how there are some things that you;ve stopped doing? because it just doesnt feel right for you and its not how you handle things? Well its Those VERY things that I DO need... I Desire and crave.. I've always needed certain (if not ALL) forms of attention, I Long for it in ways that I try to help you understand and yet NOTHINg changes.. not even a half ass attempt, and its never again discusseded unless I once again Bring it up.

GAWD I'm running around in circles here... ITs funny how one little simple discussion can become a trigger for SOOO many things. Things that I didnt Even think to bring up...not this time... it was Joe.. *chuckles* and I'm thrown back.. cause in some off and VERY twisted way I ALMOST got a little piece of what I've been wanting... But its not in a positive way...

ARGh.. I'm soo random right now.. I cant completely focus... so much was said... I've covered the bulk of it for the time being though. I just.. need time to think...feel and just be... and while I do so... I'm going to do all I can to bring myself back into a more.. postive state of my and heart. I need to be calm and happy occasioanlly to help me stay strong.