(this one is gawd awefully long.... you have been warned)

Mood: Tired, Emotionally thread bare, Still frisky, and just wanting to be happy...determined

Ok... So ALOTTA shit has been going on...From the Attitude of Joe last night(actually all week), to Devon saying and asking about things heard and seen from Joes Monitor to me almost having a complete meltdown.

The tude... I KNOW things have been bothering Joe... I pick up on it and I can always tell who its directed at.. call me crazy but after knowing a guy for 10 years and being married for 5 ... I'd like to think that I kinda know him... kinda.... anyways...I've been trying to work it out of him.. I'm tired of getting grumpy (picking up on his gruminess) and not knowing why or maybe if I can actually help make things better or IF not then maybe help HIM feel just a little better.

So after he got up in a huff about a comment I made (was discussing the condition of our front yard, mentiond the grass need to be watered, was directed anywhere, just soemthing I said in passing, joe started going off about money and how much water cost us last summer --dude we would forget the sprinkler on over night... thus the bill... its all about just being more careful-- I suggested a solution, he grumble something along the lines of no, and I made a comment about how its pretty redunant to have a home and a yard if its not going to be fully taken care of. He go up and stomp off in a huff (you have to keep in mind here, he NEVER shows anger, or frustration... so this little act is kinda a big deal, and COMPLETELY foriegn to me). I waited about 20 minutes, and then went downstairs to find him... there he ws on the computer... so what do I do... I go over and sit on his lap and ask him what up... he just looks at me and says nothing I'm just tired. "Anything bothering you at all?" *blank stare blinks* "Nope, just tired, want to relax" *I sigh* "Hun IF something were bothering you would you tell me?" *blink blink* " I guess, I dunno, maybe, depends I suppose" stares at monitor...starts clicking around... *turns back and looks at me* "still here eh? *I sarcastically laugh slightly hurt* "Uhm yeah... still here, I really would like to know what you're thinking about, and what you've been feeling, not jsut today, but this past week... you have seem kinda off lately and its bothering me. talk to me please?" nothing... goes back to the computer.... playfully I turn the monitor off and gently touch his chin and turn his face towrd mine.... softly say "Talk to me please!!!" Almost begging him. " I have nothing to say.. I'm just tired ok? *he lets out a small sarcastic chuckle* "just tired". "Ok, I'm sorry..." I leaned over to turn on his monitor slide off his lap and walk out of the room. and that was it til I call him upstairs for pizza.

More shit happend on and off...a kind of domino effect if you will, first piece that was the trigger happened earlier.. just but there was a lil pause.. or a bit of a gap between the pieces if you will which allowed for a brief moments of contemplation, then it began.....agian with the whole devon thing.... I'm not in moods to repeat right now what he said, and why it was joes fault. but I will say that he really does need to practice more caution. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and havent had certian things be heard (like cuss words in songs) or seen accidently by my child... BUT.... at least I attempt to be cautious, AND when something does pop up I will turn it off... or talk to him about it (usually only if he catches it... which is like 90% of the time... this kid has eyes and ears like a hawk). There are times in little to no caution is being exercised by Joe when it REALLY should be...No.. there's nothing wrong with the word butt.... but there is something wrong with a almost 5 year old hearing an mp3 (comedy)being played saying Butt Pluggs repeatedly (like 20+ times) through out... ok you didnt know the first time it was going to happen... fine....and figurred that it wouldnt be repeated... you have one of several options here... at this point you can turn it off and wait for a more apporpriate time to listen to it, 2 find a way to distract them or get them to do something in another room. you DONT just keep playing the damn thing oblivous to anyone else beside you there... especially when its pretty damn obvious that you arent alone... Hell I'm cautious if he's 3 rooms away... that might be pushing it a bit... But still there are just some things a CHILD should not be exposed to...and the Shit on Joe computer is one of them. ARGH!!!! DONT get me wrong... Joe IS a great dad... he loves devon and IF he actually paid some attention to what he was doing yesterday (tired or not) at least this whole part of everything wouldnt have gone down. (and then snowball)

I Dont know what my deal is with Joe... I love him, I know he loves me... But I'm really feeling and really realising the extent and limiations of who we are. He says he IS himself fully and completely... I see a man who I know used to smile sooo much more than he does, I see a man who had dreams, but is allowing reality to take complete control... not himself... I see a man who has become about the things he can get out of life... everything has somesort of a dollar value... I see a man who can be playful....but isnt...or IF he is... its only in glimpses. He has desire... but just not of the same things I do...at least not always.... I seee so much that is wonderful and beautiful in him....but its contained... and I'm blocked out. I cant reach in... and I dont know how... and I dont know if he even relises that I'm not there.

Maybe I read far too much into things. I'm finding that there are infact very few people who think the way that I do... very few indeed. and just because I'm always thinking about things.. and wondering and feeling desireing, demanding and longing... and wishing and dreaming....doesnt mean that everyone else does that at all even from time to time...

*sigh* We had a good talk overall.. woulda been better if I wasnt so exhausted... I was falling asleep... I had to put soo much effort in to just getting him to saw soemthing that after a while I started to draw blanks...GAWD I hate that... not being able to talk... to think to function... IF I were able to hook my self up to him and download all my thoughts and feelings... he would collapse...

I admit I got him to open up..a tiney bit and it was soo incredibly restrained....and you know what? I was SHOCKED to hell about it... unfortunatly it seems the only way OF being able to do that is for me to have soooo much pressure building up.. sooo much that I need or want to talk about.... sooo much of everything that I have to explodeand fizzle out.

He decided to tell me again.. for the third time ever in our marriage.. that he doesnt see me as a happy person... I mope around all day, I worry too much, I get too upset with what happens with my family and friends...I have no energy, I'm only happy when I'm distracted like when I hang out with people or working on projects... when I'm active is the only time when I come across as playful or cheery.... ...but as soon as the hangin out is done, and playtime is over I'm dark again and feel depressed, when ther eis absolutley no reason for me to be. I dont have a real reason to be sad.. I CHOSE to be....

*sigh* thats what he sees... *closes eyes.. you know I'm tired and I can keep going on forever on this... but I'm feeling alot more light hearted than I was before... so for now I'm going to just end this damn horrible entry and write another soon... one that is more reflectant of right now... instead of last night and this am