(warning another long one)

Tired. I'm home alone right now. Joe and Dev went to the park. I really should head over to the store or to big devons place even... but I dont want to.. I dont want to move from this spot.....but I dont want to stay right now either. *sigh* no pleasing myself today.

I've had a couple of chuckles and smiles when I talked to Sky and Shawn (different times) today. but really...I feel like I could be slapped silly with anything happy and I cant smile without almost wanting to just break down and cry.

Reasons? I'm not really sure IF there are any real direct reasons... I'm sure IF I thought hard enough I could come up with a few, but that would mean thinking, doing something, and I dont know if I even want to do that right now. I'm just gonna look at it as this is how I feel today. Really it all could be something as simple as hormones... Actually I'm sure that they are playing a good size roll in everything right now. I dont feel rational, and seem to be just reacting (well I'm trying not too, which makes it even harder).

I want to be left alone, and yet I NEED to be touched and comforted... my poor little self is just a huge jumble and I cant control it which make me even more frustrated.....I just want to run away!!! *looks up at the sky with tears building up* I'm tired...I hate this. I wish there was some kinda escape, but there isnt. Dammit days like this suck.

This isnt good. I'm gonna call the Doc either tomorrow or Monday. I'm feeling stressed still. I actually havent stopped feeling it since last term. I've been fortunate to have had almost a week without an attack... but yesterday/lastnight it started again. I keep telling myself I can deal with it on my own. I'm fine. I should be able to deal with it on my own, I'm strong enough...no I'm not. I'm not. and I dont want to be. Fuck *tears* this whole thing is just turning into mush... contradicting mush *l* beautiful immagery there. *wipes eyes.. slow breath in and out* Gawd I dont even know what I'm talking about anymore.. I'm spewing forth what I'm feeling right now... Hell in 5 minutes I'll probably be fine again.

You know what sucks... I'll tell you what sucks... is that people who arent even on the same damn coast as I am are more able to tell if soemthing is up or bothering me than those who stand 5 feet or less away.... or if they DO notice they never ask, they never openly wonder or check to see. Never ask me what I'm thinking...never jsut talk outside of the box... or atleast not with me.

I feel like I'm clawing at myself right now...like I need to scratch off the skin I'm in to reveal the something I've become... not what or who I really am or long to be... for there are so many layers underneath.....Like Eustace when he was Transformed into a dragon in the "Voyage of the Dawn Treader"....

one sec....ok found it... I'm gonna quote a section.....

****

So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off...

In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me looking rather nasty...

But just as I was going to put my foot into the water I looked down and saw that it was all hard and rough and and scaly just as it had been before. Oh, thats right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, I'll have to get rid of it too. So I Scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off...and out I stepped and left it laying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.

Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched for the time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself into the water I knew it had been no good.

Then the lion said, You will have to let me undress you. I was pretty afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now...

The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The Only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off....And there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darkerm and more knobbly looking than the others had been. And there I was as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.

****

How many layers must I sctrach off before the lion comes to help? How long til I can be a pure form of myself?

*sigh*

I'm more calm right now. reading and typing that excerpt helped. *head down exhausted* I'm gonna take off for a bit. sorry for all the randomness and emotion. I need to go.