Exhausted...I feel like I've had all life and engery just SUCKED outta me. I dont feel unpleasant or depressed... just drained, content, here.

I sat outside for quite awhile the rain never did fully come down... just occassionally got slightly heavy on the sprinkles. At some point I actually laid down on the weather worn wooden planked patio floor and dozed. I couldnt have been there for very long ... maybe 15 minutes. When I woke, I was drenched...like I had broken a fever. I honestly dont remember laying down or closing my eyes. When I woke up the air was thicker than before... I felt like a fish outta water but not quite fully exposed to "pure air" I would have to take deeper longer breaths in in order to feel as though I was getting half the amount of oxygen normally.. in other words I was breathing twice as hard, my heart rate up... I went inside and took a shower.

Now this may sound odd, but a shower/bath for me isnt just a place to just get clean.. its where I go to relax. I have been known on occassion to take as many as 5 a day.. at any and all hours. I can wake up in the middle of the night midnight 2am 4am (time doesnt matter) and take a hot shower, in the dark. Yes I said in the dark. No vanity lights, no night lights.. on rare occassions maybe a tiny tealight candle. But not today. Just total darkness, With the water up as hot as I can handle without it burning me. In those first few moments of entering the water I always feel as though I'm melting...from the inside out. and I just stand there, "thawing" enjoying the warm massages the shower heads (yes I have 2, one is a removable handheld ... very enjoyable). After washing all the soap off. I hit the plug for the tub to fill up. This is where I will sometimes fall asleep amongst other things*sly grin, like I'd actually go into detail about that right now!!! that'll will have to be an entry for some other time). I love the feel of being submerged in a warm bath with warm/cool water coming down on my face from the shower still spraying above. Thinking about it makes me wanna hop in again.

so... the shower/bath was both refreshing and relaxing. After drying off and redressing I sat back downstairs and Passed out AGAIN for about 30 minutes. Today was really a nonproductive lazy day. I didnt even really talk to anyone, cept dev, who himself is still in wind down mode from spending last week with both gparents.

So there's my day. And no where near all of my thoughts. I do keep replaying parts of conversations that Shawn and I had last night... he said some heart striking things (not bad all good) somethings did hit me very strongly making me feel soo helpless and weak, in the end I was happy, but... so inconcievably vunerable.

Well I'm sure there will be one more entry tonight. Even though I doubt it will be of any REAL signifigance there's really not a whole lot more that can happen tonight.