Saturday was a weird day after Joe and I left... weird in that it just felt like time was speeding by and we werent getting anywhere. Our goal was to head up to my folks place and hangout, see punkin-boy and hang out a lil with thte families. Instead we seemed to just keep running aroud in circles with errands that werent really all THAT necessariy, and then the quest to get a great deal on some hella awesome fireworks from the reservations. From Hillsboro to Vader, then Winlock, Up to Rochester.. out out out... checkout out the stands.... too spendy... back back back....out into the middle of nowhere near olympia (we drove another hour after we got BACK off the freeway).... out further and further away we went. TWICE AS MUCH!!! heh, go figure.The five of us standing there, it was 12:30am... going BACK to rochester was just too crazy of an idea that late, besides, they'd be closed by the time we got back out there so the boys (Joe Ryan and Loren) stood there talking figureing out where else was a good place to "hit up" that wasnt THAT far out. Elf and I Stood there, Tired.. Hungry... Delusional (we get pretty wacky when tired).. and uh oh.... Gotta go bathroom.. shit.. nohwere to go.. I was game for running out into the woods, but Elf... well lets just say that she needed the typical facilities. So Her and I spilt (we were driving 2 cars). This time we left the boys with my kia, and us... we took Ryans parents toyota.

Headed over to Elf and Ryans home, hungout... boys met up with... went to get some dinner. Fucking IHOP Closes at midnight (what happened to 24 hours?!?!) Went to shari's had some crack addict waitress, Had interesting conversation, food was.. well filling I guess (DUde it was Shari's ok?) Oh!!!! On the way there I sat in the back with Ryan and Elf, more specifically in the middle (ELf doesnt like the middle and She wanted me to sit by her), this placed Ryan on my right. It was a "comfy/tight" fit. Somehow, everyone started talking about ticklish spots.. and next thing I know I got Ryans attacking my sides and Elf going for the knees!!!It was hysterical and I Got my pay back too.. Ryan is FAR more ticklish than I am... and elf... WEll I let her slide by THIS time... (as I recall Ryan DID start it all).

Anywho, didnt get to my folks place til after 3am.

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Joe and I slept in my baby sister's bed (aka Goombs, shes 13). Her Room used to be my old room, Anyway.. I woke up at 9am... with my side pain back. Dev was still sleeping. I covered him back up. Talked with mom for a lil bit. And awhile later gave my Dad his late fathers day gifts, which I'm sure he liked... one was a movie (bubba hotep) the other was a collage with dev in bdu's with a poem I wrote about patriotism and roll models. He LOVED the immagery...I dont know if he read or interpreted the peoms quite the way it was ment... he cried, saying that he doesnt ever want to see dev or any other child to have to live that kinda life. (dad is a disabled vet... was in the military for over 25 years). This moment, get brought back up a lil bit later.

I helped Goombs get ready for the day, she asked me to fix her hair and pick out what makeup she should wear. it was Fun:-) I then got dressed and ready to head back out with Joe to meet up with Ryan and Elf (still needed to get our portion of fireworks afterall). Met them at the outlets... went to Quizno's and Joe mentioned how he was suprised about the way my father interpreted and reacted to my gift. (Now I need to note, that Ryan is VERY potiltically opinonated, which is fine, but is a topic I tend to not get into.. especially since I know my knowledge on any of the issues are not kept up to date). There was a discussion, (primiarily held up by Ryan), about how certain things/ideas/feelings dont really infact exist in the context in which I described and experienced. *rolls eyes* I made CRAPPY attempts at arguing otherwise.. eventually frustrated with my inablitly to vocalize the idea's and my point of views.. I just shut up. I dont mind listeing on occassion to various political discussions... but I DO NOT get involved.. I was very very VERY uncomfortable.. and I felt as though my gift, which was ment to be a potive thing.. quickly was being torn apart in a context in which it was never ment to be viewed in. ARGH!!!!! I felt like SHIT.

Off to the reservation we went, found some hella sweet fireworks, good deal.. made an awesome show. headed back to my folks place...Stopped at Starbucks with Elf, I had a nummers Hazelnut Carmel Frappacino. Made it to the folks place.

Played with dev (I really did miss the lil guy, bunches) tossed around my nephew, and kinda snacked some.. I really wasnt hungry all day... so I barely ate any of the delicious food and salads that were out.

Andarial (my 21 year old sis) gave me my bday gift (we hadnt see each other since may, bday in june) There was a REALLY cute shirt that I changed into.. and shorts, REALLY nice really comfy... but I felt soooooo nekid/exposed and uncomfortable... havent worn shorts in years... I loved them.. they looked great.. just need to get re-adjusted to the idea of having exposed legs LOL (silly I know... but whatever its how I felt).

anywho.. the day was rather nice all in all. it was enjoyable and all. I just was not all into the day. I felt distant and rather self concious, with all the comments about my weight (all said in jest.. but still) ok I'm making it sound like it wasnt a big deal to me, it was. On the way home this am (we got back at 3am joe and I had a hard time staying awake) I vented it out to Joe, I even started crying. I love my family, but I'm just soo tired of some sort of comment or joke about my appearence, like "Oh now she's a two-tone buick with Strips!!!" or "Whats up with this here" (getting poked in sides) or that there...All coming from people who have NO ROOM to talk, but I dont sit there and critize, I dont poke at people. What hurts is that it comes from Family. AND one top of it, when some of the jokes or comments comes from my baby sis. Out of the 3 of us, Goombs is the most heaviest at her age then Andarial and I ever were, and my father gives her soo much shit, and I defend her (she doesnt hear some of the things he says.. and hopefully she never will, its just too mean, though I know its not his intention to be so harsh, its how he comes off... but still the words make ME cringe and want to cry). I DEFEND her *sigh* and I get it from her too. Maybe I'm just making a bigger deal about it than what is really ment. But FUCKIN-A I'm jsut tired of it all.

I'm also becoming weary of always becoming the person in the middle. there's always some sort of a disagreement within the family or with distan relatives and Its like my vote is the deciding factor on who is right and wrong... Everyone wants ME to agree that they were right and the other not. ITs THEIR battle not mine. I can give my point of view on the whole stoopid thing...but I HAVE to use EXTREME caution.... or else.. I could be seen as taking sides. Oh and I'm a marital counselor sometimes too, Dad vents to me about mom with this, mom vents to me about dad with that. And you know what I'm cool with it, they NEED someone to talk to and on a sense I'm happy to know that they feel comfortable coming to me. But Sometimes they actually break out in an arguement and I have to be the "grown up" and calm everyone down and mediate and explain to dad, what mom really ment with this.. and mom waht dad really ment with that.

This is something that I've always have done.. ALWAYS!!! since I was in grade school, obviously the level of my involvemnt now was slightly different from then. but in general its always been the same. I'm not going to say that my childhood was completely HORRIBle.... I'd be lying... but I will say that there was always ALOT of tension and battles and I always felt like everyone forgot that I was the FUCKINg kid. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I can vent on this more too... but *closes eyes.. deep breath in and out* not now. not now.

I feel like if I go out into the middle of nowhere and just Scream and Cry and SCREAM I'll feel so much better. Uggg...I dont know where the hell all of this is coming from I really have done alot of jumping around.. just kinda following the flow of my thoughts for the moment. I'm gonna go for now. I'm gonna play with Dev. and bum around some more in my jammas (GO EYEORE!!! :-D ) Sorry this is sooo freaking long. REally I am.