after spending 5 minutes of continuosly clicking on the refresh button I FINALLY made it in HURRAY!!! (though I be the server hates me. Oh well maybe one day I'll become a gold memeber. :-P

its after 1 and I want to watch a movie, but dont know if I will. I really dont want to go upstairs.. really I dont. Joes in bed sleeping by now I'm sure he's going to work OT tomorrio and friday. and Dev is long asleep. I dont ever want to sleep again. it takes away so much time from me and what I want to do.

God I have alot on my mind. I just keep spacing out here. touching my burns.. the old one and the 3 new ones I've added to the collection. I think my ring finger is going to be scarred. which is odd cause it was my pinky that got the worst of it. oh well.

I talked to shawn for MANY hours on the phone somewhere between 3-5 I think.. thank goodness for unlimited anywhere in the US minutes!!! It feels so good to be able to just talk with him. about anything. doesnt matter the topic. He always brings a smile to my face, and tonight I think we had each other cracking up quite a bit about varying topics that were ment to be somewhat serious, but we HAD to make light of them. it was either laugh or cry, and we both chose to laugh. God I laughed soo hard. It feels more than wonderful to have him back in my life. I need his friendship.

like I said earlier.. or at least I think was said. I have ALOT on my mind... but... I'm not going to talk about it right now. I just want to randomly bat it around in my head (there's plenty of space there for the moment) and let things really sink in. as the need grows, I plan on talking to those whom I most trust. and right now. thats limited to only 2 peoples.

I need a vacation.. and then a vacation from my vacation. I'm very much looking forward to going to Vegas next week. Along with walking around the strip, seeing the sites and going to see "O" I plan to drink....ALOT

I dont drink very often.. If I do its usually socially and I only have one or two... HOWEVER....I AM going to have one day of being in a complete drunken stooper and then just pass out forgetting all things.. and just sllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. (and hopefully not have to pay any hommage to the porcilyn god)

L.. for somereason I suddenly have "because I got high" by afroman going in my head .. lada da da da da... OMG. I'm loosing the battle folks...

Sheeeeeeee-iiiiit :-P

I'm feeling so many things on so many levels right now. and once again, I have to be the grown up that I've always have had to be. I have to be respondisble and think about all aspects, what is right, or more right.

how much of myself can I actually allow to take into consideration? gosh why do I have to be so damn respondsible? why do I have to care so much?

got tired of afroman... Listening to shakira "underneath your cloths" now *sigh* *sings "of all the things that I deserve for being such a good girl..."

FUCK!!! I dont wanna listen to this either... I keep thinkink of a Sheryl Crow Song... but I can remember the title... wasnt a "popular" song.. at least I never heard it on the radio, someone told me about it... grrrr.. started with a "U" I think. (looking it up on lyrics.com) LOL.. ok I was REALLY wrong.. the song was called "Home" I dont know why I thought of this song... It doesnt relate to what I've been going through, just one of those random things/thoughts I guess.

Speaking of random. I found one of my old poems. On a whole I'm finding a reconnection to it.. but its primarily the ending that I'm drawn back too (the last 2 stanza's/sections...paragraphs hell if I can remember right now)

Her Struggle

Why must I sit alone,

in the dark to cry?

is it my destiny,

to be alone inside?

Why must I stay hidden

within this tight shell?

I feel I will go mad,

in this self created hell.

Why has my strength all up and gone?

Will it return, to help me go on?

Where is my protection

From these harsh cold winds?

I hate being alone,

I need to break out from within.

Help me oh someone,

for I can no longer stand tall

my back has been broken

my legs are too small.

I'm tired and weary,

I cant carry it all.

I collasp into darkness,

and welcome the fall.

-----

I'm tired. I still cant sleep though.. I'm too awake. I wanna curl up on the couch.. but cant, I have to go upstairs and get my stooopid retainer.. ARGH.

I dont want to sleep. I dont want to sleep, I dont want to sleep.........

dammit why do I have to be so stubborn? and never in the right ways? *leans head back in chair* HA.. I almost closeded my eyes. I'm not going to win this battle tonight. but but I just know that I wont get the rest that I need.

OH!!! I got my grades. 3 B's. Yay! And one F. which dont make my B's look all that hot. *ug theres that dissappointed feeling again* I cant screw up like that anymore. I cant... and I wont. its a waste of time and money. ARGh.. I NEED to be done with school. I need to get a job, I need to be more independent. I'm also VERY afraid of finishing school. cause in theory that means I'm ready for work... and in the field I'm going into.... it IS important that you have the skills talent, know how. and have mastered the fine art of B.S (no pun intended in relation to the billboard that was up last term-you wanna know ask me and I'll be more specific) except instead of "Brilliant Stratidy" it really is the "Bulls Shitting" that you HAVE to have down. and I may be good at shooting the shit at times.. but selling my idea.. my work.. convincing them why THIS is what they want.. *shakes head* not my forte`. not what I wanna do. I'm too afraid that I dont have the talent and skills..*L*.. I said that already didnt I? anyway, I know that Joes ready for me to be done with school.

Our schedule is going to be sooo much harder next year. Dev's going to go to school 2-3 days a week full time, Joe works the front half of the week and I try to take all my classes on Wed and Thursday(summer QTR thursdays are going to be from 8am to 9:45 PM). THEN Joe's going back to school fulltime so there goes wed Evening, Friday and possibly Saturdays (he hasnt gotten his classes for the fall yet so we'll see* and my summer term over laps all that crap.

ugg.. my stomache.. it hurts. ok.. I quit. I'm going to sleep. (sorry bout the long entry).