Uggg...I'm hating how I feel right now. Really I do. Granted part of it has to do with the fact that I didn�t go to bed til after 3 am. and 4 hours later I'm back up. But I can't handle the dreams. They are far too abstract even for my liking. and my stomach.. its KILLING me. I�m so worried about everything and nothing at the same time. Dammit I just want to sleep. This is worse than going through insomnia. I swear! Or bring on the Leviquin or cipro (an antibiotic I�m SEVERLY allergic to). It might have caused paranoia, insomnia, HORRIBLE dreams, and a non stop vise gripping headache. But dammit at least when I DID manage to fall asleep I slept. It was almost restful.

If I cant get myself to completely relax, I�m going to fall completely apart under all the stress of next quarter. There is only so strong I can pretend to be. I want it to be known that these feelings aren�t here just because of recent �uncoverings�. They have been here for quite sometime. Infact I�ve seriously have been contemplating getting counseling. I�ve been fighting depression that is enhanced by school and �outside� family life. Its been these last 9 months or so that�s its gotten to a point to where I feel out of control. There�s only so far St Johns Wort can take me. And the panic attacks keep coming. I really hesitate on seeking �outside� help for many reasons.

1. Medication. After the first time of talking with my doctor she decided that she wanted to prescribe me a �mild� anit-depressment. Now for those of you who don�t know my medical background. I was sick all the time when I was a child. Constant ear infections/ruptures, High fevers, flu� just about anything nasty that happen to rear its ugly head within a 20 mile radius of me.. I would get it. This is one reason why I don�t like to go out that often. Really its amazing that I managed to get through high school with all the time I missed. Anyways, me, younger +sick ALL THE TIME=LOTS of medication. Now I suppose one would say that it would help me develop an appreciation of sorts for the cold lil pills and sticky bittersweet liquids. I didn�t. I despised knowing that I had to have some sort of outside chemical coursing though my veins every two to 3 hours even when I was healthy. I had to choke down an obscene number of pills, drops, liquids� well you get the point. In regards to myself I�m very anti-medication unless its REALLY truly NEEDED.

����.uggg� I keep falling back asleep. This entry is going to take me FOREVER today I can tell.

So where was I? Oh yes� medication (still). So I don�t like taking meds. Not only did she want to give me meds, but it was something that would or could �Alter� or effect me in a way to where I could feel it. Its not for something that�ll just go away like a flu or cold. It was being generically prescribed and we would be just treating a symptoms I want to find the cause. Dude its my mind!!!! I�m just slightly paranoid and want to make sure that we exercise ALL options before we settle on the default. I have friends who are addicted to the stuff. And every time they are told they need to get off the script.. I see what it does to them. Eventually there symptoms are worse and they need a stronger script. Now I know that this isn�t always the case, and that I�m limiting my opinion to only what I researched and experience. But for right now. This is just how it is.

2. Failure. I�m a VERY prideful, stubborn, opinionated independent lil character. I know this is just plain old silly. But by going to someone outside of myself and MY friends, means that I have to admit that I don�t have control anymore, thus means that I have lost. I can handle loosing that�s not an issue. But loosing with myself???? Well its just not an easy thing to have to admit to.

3. FEAR. Most of this will and probably should fall into the failure category� but hell, there are never any real disguising lines or boundaries to anything.. It CAN overlap :-P I�m afraid of what people will think of me, almost as though I had failed them. I�m so afraid that I�ll be a let down to them.. After all, I�m the strong steady constant in a lot of cases, I would be taking that away from them. I�m also afraid to find out that maybe I never was infact as strong as I occasionally believe myself to be.

Those are but a few reasons explaining why I haven�t yet gone to seek out �professional� help.. God I feel like I a quack saying it like that� *sigh* whatever. Here I am. This but a small part of me.

Ok, now that I officially loonified myself. I march onward toward other ramblings

During the course of me waking up and falling back asleep on and off all morning I had parts and pieces of odd dreams. Not as weird as the ones I mentioned earlier� I cant even begin to describe those� so I�m not going to try. But here are a what I can remember from the 2 (maybe 3) that I�ve had since I began writing.

The first part of the first dream the area or space was black. But with light blue water lit up in such away that you almost believed that it was daylight out. In the middle of the water more like an ocean. was a fair skinned man, Tall with shoulder length wavy almost curly chestnut brown hair, blue eyes. He had on dark brown peasant pants, a cream long sleeve peasant shirt, and a dark green leather vest. The breeze was blowing direct against him though he moved forward, not walking almost gliding� but VERY slowly. He had his hands stretched out in front of him. And in his right hand he held a blue ballpoint pen. His left hand was cupped underneath to pen as though to ensure it wouldn�t fall. he never said anything, just directly and intensely stared at me.. And I could hear his voice say (not said out loud) �Look�.

The second dream glimpse (that�s how these first two felt) had a woman, who looked very similar to the virgin Mary. She wasn�t, but that�s she was dressed. And her face looked delicate and porcilyn. Again everything was black around her� kinda like in a play, when you�re focused on only one character , their props aren�t even in the scene, yet you know they are there. The spot light illuminated her from a stage left angle. �. You could only see the top half of her, bent over a table� crying into her arms.

This scene faded and I once again awoke, only to fall back asleep again�.

This 3rd short dream had a lot in it� there was a story. But I don�t all of it.. Only two glimpses�. The 1st part had my younger sister ( by 4 years) �Andarial� and my friend Mystery . they were talking about what they had to go through in order to have an abortion. And I just stood there listening. To them I was wasn�t even their, which I was fine with. The second part had me sitting in a living room on a couch that rocked it was a hideous 80�s orange red color and I was holding a very old antique clock almost like a coo coo clock.. The clock didn�t work any more�so I sat there rocking, holding it, twirling the hands around, forward and backwards� when ever I hit on the hour a pretty round white crystal would glide out spinning, playing a really decorative tinkling tune and then put itself away.

Ok� that�s it for now.. L.. My gosh this this is long!!!

Plan for the Day: Treadmill again (goal to do it at least once a day), shower, pick up before Joe comes home early from work, and make sure the garage is straightened up so the repair dude can get in there to work.