(Its 5 am and I'm writing this, PLEASE forgive the vagueness, typos and lack of organization. I just needed to start typing some of this out. FYI I may do some editing)

You go through life believing that you are where you are because of the choices you have made. Good or bad, with or without clarity. Ultimately where you are, what you do, and where you go, is your decision.

Then one day, you wake up to discover that you werent in complete control at all and the decisions made were based off of the "manipulations" of somebody else who shoudnt have even been a factor.

Their voice was a trusted guide. a guide which revealed a path that had it never been shown I would never have taken. It wasnt an unpleasent path, just unexpected, especially when the voice behind is saying there are no other options. At first there is hesitation, but soon the boulder is nudged and begins tearing its way down though the sloped path, gaining rapid speed in the beginning. And so the Domino effect had begun.

Switching OUT of story mode, I dont know how to describe how I feel about this discovery/relization that has been made. I'm just shocked. I mean Really really shocked. and even though this wonderful revelation all came about earlier in the day, I still feel physically ill.

For YEARS I've pondered what if's and why's. I've been through hell, I've hurt and had caused hurt and for what? just for the sake of going through unneeded unwanted drama and pain with wounds that have never been completely healed? I drove myself mad trying to shutout feelings and thoughts about someone so dear to me. All because I chose to rely on someone elses word rather than going directly to the source. What the hell was I thinking?*sigh* Obviosuly I wasnt and that was my fault. I'm so sorry.

*looking at the remote* can somebody help me get the rewind button to work please. hitting it on the table.. DAMMIT!

dont get me wrong. I'm not saying I hate my life now, and I wont say that, because then I would be telling everyone that I dont love my husband and son. I do love them. YEs, there are changes I would like to see happen and aspects I'm not happy with, but thats another issue to be disscussed soem other time.

Its just, I feel I was so close to having something I had always dreamed of. And to find out that it COULD have been...and yet never was. Not completely of my doing nor his, creates feelings truly beyond what I can express at the moment.

It was resting there only a soft breath away from my fingertips, closer to than just within my grasp and yet it slid away.

I'm not putting complete blame on this "outside" person. there were still so many opportunites(now seen moer clearly where I could have done something more to helped put things back. unfortunatly these windows werent as clear to me then as they are now.